brigitte - post #6, 7.24.22: oh, that I were a bird pt. 2

 So funny story...I spent several hours last Sunday and Monday frantically trying to figure out why my formatting was off for all of my prior blog posts. My bad for not using the preview function--major oversight on my part. All of this could have been avoided had I just viewed my own post, but I hate reading what I've written so I was too chicken to check. I ended up having to retype all of my posts, thus having to read everything I'd written anyway. Classic Brigitte. I'd honestly like for this to change though; I can't say that living this way has been fun. Despite experiencing a surge of productivity following the blog format debacle, I'm now back to barely functioning. Plus, the migraine behind my left eye is back. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own body. It's weird because I wouldn't consider myself a dualist--not a fan of the whole mind-body split thing--but then again, I haven't the slightest clue what a spirit or a soul is. Contradictions abound. Being a human's wild. How do I learn to let things go?

It looks as if we're ending how we started. I cried a lot the first week because I was really overwhelmed; I've been crying a lot the past few days because of how quickly time is passing. I didn't think I'd make it this far that first week, yet here we are at week 8. I think the same can be said about multiple aspects of my life. Where did I think I'd be at 22? Beats me. Not sure if that lack of a destination is what's making it seem like I've been standing still for most of my life, or if it's the complete opposite. I think I tend to take life a little too seriously, which is somewhat ironic since I still don't have any plans. 

I'm not sure what I was expecting coming into this internship. I've definitely expressed this before, but it's the truth. I definitely wasn't expecting to come out of it caring so much about public transportation. I also found that I like editing and proofreading documents. Writing was fun (most of the time). That's more than enough for me.

We read Bryan Stevenson's Just Mercy for the last Church and Society programming session. Ok, America hating poor people isn't news, but reading about the criminalization of poor people and their stories was infuriating, troubling, and deeply saddening. Luke 4:18 is a verse I kept coming back to. One of the many lines that stuck out to me appear at the end of Chapter Eleven: "As he walked to the car, Walter raised his arms and gently moved them up and down as if he meant to take flight. He looked at me and said, 'I feel like a bird, I feel like a bird.'" That made me sob. I swear that I titled this post before reading this chapter. Freedom's been a big theme for me this summer. The freedom to live without fear specifically. That would be a life of love right? Unresolved pain stemming from fear turns into intergenerational trauma and needless suffering. Breaking that cycle isn't something any of us signed up for, but I think it's what I'd like to live for. Whatever salvation is, is freedom.

I'd like to not keep missing out on the things that are right in front of me. I hope it isn't too late to find the key to the way out of this place; in fact, it's probably been within my grasp this whole time. I just have to learn to unclench my fist. That'll take some time. But I think that's ok.

Well, those are my ramblings. I'm grateful that I was able to participate in this year's EYA cohort. Thanks for the laughs and for the good conversations. It's been fun :)

a song that made a timely appearance in my life: "What Sarah Said" - Death Cab for Cutie

Thanks for reading like seriously,

-brigitte