Leslie, Blog 4, 07/18

Sickness, Healing, and Rest

Learning to Listen  

    This week was a much more difficult week than I care to admit. I was struggling with a cold for over a week and was failing to allow my body to live into that reality. I was so hyperfocused on trying to power through and not let my work fall behind due to my prolonged sickness. My stubbornness caused the week to feel very surface level and as if I was just going through the motions. I wanted to pat myself on the back for having a successful Wednesday Devotional time with the EYA interns and checking all the tasks off the to-do list, but the reality was that I was so dry that I did not even have the energy to reach my back for such a celebration. In reflection, I must admit that I fell victim to my internalized ableism and the capitalistic claims against our bodies. I felt like I was a failure and would be a burden if I allowed my body to be my body. This is something I have struggled with a lot in my life. It is especially a struggle as my health conditions cause me to take twice as long to heal as the average able-bodied person. Too often, I attach too much of my value to the claims of productivity. I am starting to recognize that these attitudes and behaviors only hurt me and further the struggle. By Thursday morning, my body was not allowing me to complete hardly any tasks due to a migraine and horribly painful cough. I finally called it in, went to the doctor (who sent me to Urgent Care), and took the time to rest. This act allowed for my body to get the care it needed and now just three days later I am feeling significant improvements. 

I have spent a lot of time in the last few years reflecting on how my health experiences inform my theology. This theological hermeneutic is grounded in embodiment and liberation theology of disability. I have started describing my body as placement of appointment to serve within and with. This week this concept was stretched even further. Too often, I find myself neglecting my bodily needs (I mean my body can be pretty NEEDY) for the sake of my work and my calling. What is most concerning about this behavior is that it is actually glorified and encouraged by many within the church and mentoring church leaders. I find it telling that my body's demands have increased significantly since I have started taking the steps toward my vocation. I believe these hard conversations and deconstruction of ableism have unraveled a part of my call that I never even knew was hidden within me. I have started to really advocate for Pastors to care more for their bodies and for the churches to support their pastors within this humanity. Too often churches see ministers as unending resources and not HUMANS that also need care. 

This week this concept was stretched to include our pastoral call for "listening". We discuss often the need for sacred listening within congregational conversations, spiritual disciplines, planning, and leadership. Listening is defined as a sacred practice that Pastors are encouraged to cultivate. What if this idea of sacred listening was also applied to listening to our bodies?? As a disabled person, I am having to constantly listen to my body for guidance on what it needs and potential issues that could be surfacing. Yet, our society preaches the opposite. I see myself refuse to listen to my body when it comes to my vocation and work. I see mentors, pastors, and other church leaders doing the same. Many even go as far as to make jokes about not listening to their body because "the work must be done". What if we applied sacred listening to our bodies? Our body is an important part of God's creation that carries us as we serve faithfully. This body should be honored and listened to as a sacred act. Let's include this as an essential part of our pastoral duties so we may be sustained in our work.