brigitte - post #3, 7.3.22: nothingness is often misconstrued

Where am I at right now? I have no idea who I am. I also have no idea where I’m supposed to be. Some days I’m okay with these sentiments, others–not so much. The latter applies these last few weeks. I don’t have a whole lot to say this time around; I’ve been experiencing something akin to if not actually brain fog. It’s probably due to stress, spending way too much time on the computer, not getting enough sleep, etc. I just feel genuinely ill; it’s more than a little frustrating how my symptoms haven’t improved very much over the last week. My level of productivity is at an all time low. I’m not a fan of that framing, but what can one expect from the product of a productivity-centered culture? Remote work has had its pros and cons; the flexibility’s nice, but staring at a screen for hours at a time hasn’t been great. I also get distracted pretty easily. Simple tasks take forever for me to complete. I admittedly don’t get a whole lot of social interaction. Let me try to shift to things I have managed to do over the last few weeks because I have a tendency to fixate on negatives (who would’ve guessed?). My work with the NRPE is manageable, and I’ve gotten to research things that I find interesting. I also got to help out with some research about lands significant to Black communities. I just finished a draft of an op-ed on zero-emission vehicles, and I need to start working on my blog post about clean transportation; its focus will be on improving public transit infrastructure. What fun! I just wish I felt better in both a physical and an emotional sense. I really suck at getting the timing right. 

What I’m grateful for about this internship is that it forces me to write. It’s kind of served as an outlet for me. I can’t believe it’s been four weeks–four more to go! This obviously hasn’t been the easiest experience for me (few things are in my case); I’m glad that I’ve persisted this far though. It’s sometimes difficult for me to truly recognize that I have a lot of support. I can’t really fail here. I guess my own perceptions about myself aren't always accurate, but man do they sting. I’ve been trying to take it day by day, but I am struggling. For real. I feel like I shouldn’t be, but that’s not particularly helpful. It’s kind of lonely here (I don’t know where “here” is, it isn’t really literal). I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way though. I think one of the reasons I keep going, however slow I go about it, is to maybe connect with other people, preferably in unexpected ways. I’m not sure how God fits into any of this right now. Or how any of this is salvageable. Maybe I’m naive or immature, maybe I’m an idealist, and, ironically, a hopeless romantic, but hope is the only thing I’ve got left at times–especially when I feel stuck or trapped. I guess this is one of those times. I can’t really see how things will change, yet I desperately hope that they do for the better.

All of this is new to me so I’m understandably uncomfortable. Maybe this means that growth is happening. If I learned anything about change at the societal level during last week’s lecture on the legislative process, it’s that change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a lengthy, convoluted, frustrating process. Despite the obstacles, there will still always be people committed to making the world a better place for all who inhabit it; I’m lucky that my fellow interns are so passionate in their commitment to advocacy work; it’s really inspiring.

Change at the individual level doesn’t happen overnight either. Even if it might look like nothing to the average person, growth happens in the surrender of one’s assumptions of oneself and of the external world. To me, it often seems like my own growth is happening so slowly that it’s imperceptible; it’s like nothing’s happening. I can’t call whatever this is nothing though, can I?

-brigitte