brigitte - post #4, 7.10.22: "you should be a navigator" - my sister

I'd like to take some time to reflect on how I got to this point. Not being the type of person who plans things, I just kind of uncomfortably roll with the punches; even so, I wouldn't say that I'm of the "go with the flow" sort. I make attempts to defy the current against my better judgment and usually wind up expending what little energy I have. Plus, I'm an awful swimmer. I often feel as if I'm completely out of my element most of the time, which can be pretty discouraging. The funny thing is, I have no idea what my element is. Everything just feels, I don't know, off? The common denominator in this scenario is I: I don't know how to feel about that. I've gotten so used to this feeling that the discomfort has become somewhat comfortable. How frightening. Thus, I have to regularly ask myself: "Do you really want things to change, Brigitte? Do you?" I think it's difficult for me to recognize when change is happening in my personal life since it isn't ever all that drastic.

I completely digress. Long story short: it was a leap of faith.

I found our last EYA programming session to be cathartic. It's been fairly easy for me to evade difficult questions about my identity over the years. We didn't talk about things like race, religion, or politics in my family when I was growing up. When people ask me where I'm from, I want to respond with, "Your guess is as good as mine," because I'm pretty clueless when it comes to my ethnic background; I can't trace my lineage past my grandparents. This makes me kind of sad; it's another aspect that I perceive (probably falsely) as lacking in my life. I think it also hurts to think about the ways in which my parents probably struggled in the U.S. because of their perceived "otherness," and how blind I was to these issues because of my distinct cultural context. Tell Me Who You Are by Winona Guo and Priya Vulchi is the name of the book we used; reading other people's stories made me feel a little more seen. From the silence surrounding mental illness and intergenerational trauma to the duality of trying to navigate two (or more) different cultures, our experiences are shared. It's a pleasant reminder.

What isn't so pleasant is reminding myself of how unrooted I feel. I was elated that my pastor identified this feeling with the exact word almost immediately when we first met. Someone understands! I also don't like disappointing people so I'll quit things before even trying. I'm obviously not very confident in who I am, and I spend way too much time thinking about all the things I'm not. It's hard for me to communicate what I need. I use the "unrooted" thing to a lot to justify my general aimless air. I always manage to paint this in a negative light though. Let me reframe this. What is wandering is actually a good thing? There'll be a lot of firsts and most of it will probably be trial and error, but there'll be NO EXPECTATIONS!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

I don't know how to smoothly transition into this, but these verses have been on my mind; I'm glad Rev. Katie shared it with us on Friday: "For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made...My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth" (Psalm 139:13-15). God made this blob? Cool. The phrase, "intricately woven in the depths of the earth," is an interesting one. It makes me feel okay.

Charting my own course in uncharted territory is not, nor will it be, the simplest undertaking. I don't really have a history here or anywhere that I know of. There's freedom in that I guess.

Throwback: "My Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit

-brigitte